Escapes

I have been on the journey of healing for about 5 years now.  But it was really only with in the last two years that I really started the hard stuff.  There where days where getting up was hard. Days where the bare minimum was done to raise my kids and I just held on.  I felt terrible.  I was so involved in my own mind and all that was going on that I could barely make lunch or dinner.  Voytek would come home often to no dinner made and the house a mess.  Its hard to admit this on here, we all try to keep it together, to put on a happy everything is fine face.  Well I am here to tell you, that face is sometimes a lie. And that is okay.  In my case sometimes the easiest thing to do was to hid away in my home with my kids and just be.  If you know me in real life, you would know how very opposite that is to my normal self.  But for two year I took that road. I hid. I cried.  I hurt. I loved. I learnt. I grew. I survived.  My children and husband where loved by me and I still managed to live life to the best of my ability at that time.  Some days where just, way, way harder then others. But I figured it out, I found away.  It would have been really easy to let go of reality and let the darkness take over, let the sad be the truth, let the pain rule my life, but I did not let that happen.

Escapes.  Things that take you out of your head and let you breath.  I have an amazing support system of friends in my community.  People who have been there since the first moment of this journey, people I have meet along the way, and people who don’t know my story but have still helped me.  I am still so amazed by some of these people.  Sometimes I would just get a random message telling me they where thinking or praying for me.  Or they would take a kid for a couple hours to give me some time to myself.  And some learnt when I needed them beside me and when I needed to be by myself.  I will never be able to thank any of them. Some actually have no idea the impact they had on my life, maybe one day I will be able to tell them.  But I doubt I will ever truly be able to express it.  They were light in a sea of darkness.  Their words where a path, their love a map and their support the push I needed to take the steps.  Friends were a huge escape for me.

I am not going to write about my sister,  Voytek and the kids in this post.  I don’t think I even know how to begin that. I will save it for a different day.

So this brings me to one of the two major escapes for me. If you know me this first one will come as no surprise.  Softball.  Shocker, I know!  I have loved softball since I was a child, but was never on a team.  A good friend at church found out how much I love it and ended up asking me to be on his team, more accurately to be part of the ball family.  This was the summer of 2016.  Twice a week I got to leave the house, by myself, and go to a field of friends, hit balls, run, catch balls and just have fun.  Be completely out of my head for two plus hours.  At no other point up to then had I been able to escape my head for an hour let alone two.  My attacker could not hurt me there, I was as free as I had ever been.  Amazing what fresh air, exercise, and laughter will do to a person.  I felt bad leaving the kids and Voy, but I needed this for me.  I needed this for them.  This year Voy has joined the team too.  Its a whole new ball game (man I am funny!).  We play together twice a week and have been to tournaments.  The kids come to most tournaments and it has been so much fun.  Henrik is addicted to it. It maybe the cutest thing ever.  But it has changed into something even more beautiful for me.  It isn’t just an escape anymore it is an experience now too.  I love the game.  It is one of the things I have learnt about myself.  I love hitting a ball.  I love getting someone out.  I love my team.  They are truly a group of beautiful people that I am so happy I know.  Most of them have no idea what I am going thru, and most of them have no idea what their friendship has meant to me. I can’t imagine a time in my life that softball wont be important to me. I know that kinda sounds silly but it is like I have been waiting my whole life to play it and it finally came into my life at the perfect moment.

Music.  Where do I even start with this one?  It is always there.  When I was driving alone to counselling it was full blast as I sang alone terribly.  When I was at home with the kids, a dance party would start and we would all end up singing and laughing.  When I was having my own time a song would sing me to peace. I know I am not the only person who knows how incredible music is to ones soul. No matter the mood you are in there is a song for that, I am 100% sure.  It can pull you out of the deep darkness with just a few carefully places notes and words.  It can make you smile as it brings back a great memory.  And it can teach you.  I want to talk about one song right now.  There has been hundreds of songs in this last 5 years that have been important to me, some for a day, some still are.  But this week I heard a new song that just came out, and I swear to you I could have written it myself.  It is amazing.  Kesha – Praying   Now I am going to warn you the video is a bit weird.  But I promise it is worth the listen, it sincerely is an amazing song.

At the beginning of the video Kesha talks.  She asks, is she alive, if so why? Why? She says being alive hurts to much.  She asks if this is a dream. She speaks of the feelings of being alone and not understanding the point to it all.  I have had everyone of those thoughts.  Not sleeping at night I wondered why? As a child I was mad at God. I couldn’t understand why he would allow this. Isn’t he suppose to be good?  I wondered what I did wrong. I felt all alone.  I felt like no one could understand me.  No one would want me.  I was so broken.  As a child I couldn’t understand any of it. As an adult, guess what? I can’t understand any of it.  I can not understand why someone would do this to a child. I can not understand my emotions, I can not figure out how I am still here.  However, as an adult who has been walking this path for a while now, I do know somethings.  I do not know the why, I do not understand his why.  But I do know I will do something with this.  I will help someone.  I already have helped people. I will not have suffered for nothing. I will not allow that.  I know that I am not alone.  Even though sometimes it still feels that way, I am not.  I also know I am not broken, or wrong or terrible.  I am beautiful, I am strong, I am whole.  And nothing my attacker did or can do to me will ever change that again.  I am power.  I will never be controlled again.

After her speech the song starts.  I have found the lyrics online and feel that putting them in the blog is a good idea. I suggest listening to the song and reading along.

Kesha – Praying

Well, you almost had me fooled

Told me that I was nothing without you

Oh, but after everything you’ve done

I can thank you for how strong I have become

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell

I had to learn how to fight for myself

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell.

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying

I hope your soul is changing, changing

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, praying.

I’m proud of who I am

No more monsters, I can breathe again

And you said that I was done

Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

‘Cause I can make it on my own

And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known

I’ve been thrown out, I’ve been burned

When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name.

You brought the flames and you put me through hell

I had to learn how to fight for myself

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell.

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying

I hope your soul is changing, changing

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, praying.

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night

Someday, maybe you’ll see the light

Oh, sometime, in life, you’re gonna get what you give

But some things, only God can forgive.

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying

I hope your soul is changing, changing

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, praying

 

Do I really need to say anything else?  I could sit here and break this down line by line.  Tell you every thought that goes into my mind but, I honestly think that would be too much.  My friend said it best when I showed her this song earlier today, she said “that song is a hard enough to listen to, but when I think about you it destroys me.”

Thank you Kesha for putting into lyrics what I couldn’t put into words.  Thank you for the escape, for the freedom to sing this at the top of my lungs and feel every word of it.

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