Its been a bit. A lot has happened. Mostly painful hard things, but I am still standing. All my childhood I listened to the same lies over and over again, but as an adult I will never accept being lied too. I was told that if I told my truth someone close to me would die, and everyone would blame me and it would all be my fault. I believed that lie so deeply that it is something I still have to work thru. Something that haunts me and scares me. It is the only lie my abuser told me that I still have a hard time believing to be a lie. All his other manipulations I now know to be false. But this one really has its claws in me. Recently I got word that someone close to me has been diagnosed with cancer. Imagine how the little Sam in me felt. Scared. Guilty. Like it was all her fault. I couldn’t even feel the emotions attached to a cancer diagnose because all I could feel was the shame, fear and guilt of the lie that had been planted in me so many years ago. I cried about it. I hated myself. And then a light went off in my head, this is not my fault. Yes, I did finally tell the truth and yes I did shine a light on a monster who lives among us, but that has nothing to do with cancer. Me telling could not possibly has caused cancer in a person. How crazy is it that I could so easily believe that lie, that insane idea to be reality?! Insane. But as the light turned on it shined on other aspects of what was going on.
Have you ever watched a TV show where the family is one big happy, loving, laughing family? There is examples of this ‘perfect’ family all over the media, TV shows, movies and books. Most people grew up being told that when they become an adult and have kids of their own, they will go to their parents house every Sunday for a beautiful family meal. Everyone is laughing, everyone is smiling, everyone is safe. But for me, and I believe a lot of the world, that is not a reality. No matter how much you want that picture perfect family, it isn’t real, for you. And that is what I had to mourn, the loss of a fictional family I had made up in my own head. I had to realize that family dinner with the grandparents, us and the kids was not my reality. But that wasn’t because I told the truth. This was not my fault. Little Sam was not to blame. This picture was never something I would get. But that doesn’t mean I wont be able to have it, just a little differently. When my kids grow and have their own babies, I hope that we can have this. Or at least, something better then what I got. But for now, we will teach our children how important they are, how loved they are and how we will always have their back, no matter what. We will make sure our children never feel left out in the cold, they will always know that they are never alone. Even if they cant have the big happy family Sunday dinners, doesn’t mean they can’t have happy family Sunday dinners. Or perhaps we can invite friends and start a tradition, or when my sister and her family is in town we will have that big happy family dinner. Either way, my kids will never know they are missing out on some dream I thought would be my reality. Because they are not missing out. Instead they will live a life soaked in love, acceptance, happiness and trust. Love will always heal a hurt. Being accepted will teach self esteem and self love. Happiness will always help shine a light on the dark. And trust, well the truth always comes out. Right?